A Special Word For Proverbs 31 Tomboys
A speech delivered at the Vision Forum Ministries 2003 Father & Daughter Retreat in San Antonio, Texas
by Rebekah E. Zes, October 21, 2003
In considering what to speak on this morning, I was greatly challenged, because the Lord has been working in my life in so many areas. But He impressed upon me to speak to one particular area, and that is: strength in femininity.
Growing up, I was very much what one would call a tomboy. I was rough and tough, and actually, all throughout my childhood, my father would often ask my two sisters and me, “Are you cute and sweet, or rough and tough?” And I would always answer emphatically, “Rough and tough.” I was stronger physically than my sisters, and more competitive, and I indulged those things. I did not have the privilege of being home schooled until I reached high school. So as I was growing up all those years while in school, I always sought to be “one of the guys” — to be competitive with them, seek out their company, and to be like them.
I greatly resented the fact that I was a girl. Discontent built up within me and I often questioned why I couldn’t have been a boy. In order to correct this “problem,” I did everything that I could to be a tomboy because I thought life was so unfair that I had to be a girl. So I shirked from all things that I viewed as girly or weak, because I wanted to be what I considered strong, not knowing that I was under the influence of feminist ideas already at a young age. I was very independent and always wanted to be able to do things by myself; this was due in part to how I was raised: to be very self-reliant. I had a mistaken idea of what femininity was. To me it meant that one was so dainty and delicate that one was unable to do anything for oneself; that one was so weak and dependent that one was unable to do anything, and that one was of little use; that one was so good, as to be good-for-nothing. So I prided myself in my boyish ways and in my independence, and it caused me to lose one of the sweetest charms of girlhood: the charm of gentle trustfulness. I loathed appearing weak, and I delighted in the fact, so I thought, that I didn’t need any protection or shelter. This produced great discontentment in my life. But the Lord, very thankfully, did a work in my heart through a number of different influences, and He revealed to me the error of my thinking.
He began to show me through His Word, through friends who had been godly examples of what true young ladies should be like, and through books that I began to read, that true young ladies should be gentle in speech, in voice, in manner, that they should be full of love for home, yet they should also be firm, and decided in their convictions. This is where a woman’s true strength lies, because real femininity is anything but weakness. My beliefs about femininity while I was growing up were all lies. But the Lord has shown me that a woman can be just as strong as a man, but that those strengths are manifested in different ways. The means of a man’s strength is different than the means of a woman’s strength. We are both warriors and soldiers for Christ, but we have different dominions that we are to take.
I would like to read a quote for you from Alexis de Tocqueville’s Democracy in America, which was written in the 1830s, about his opinion of what he thought made America great:
“Thus the Americans do not think that man and woman have either the duty or the right to perform the same offices, but they show an equal regard for both their respective parts; and though their lot is different, they consider both of them as being of equal value. They do not give to the courage of woman the same form or the same direction as to that of man; but they never doubt her courage: and if they hold that man and his partner ought not always to exercise their intellect and understanding in the same manner, they at least believe the understanding of the one to be as sound as that of the other, and her intellect to be as clear. Thus, then, while they have allowed the social inferiority of woman to continue, they have done all they could to raise her morally and intellectually to the level of man; and in this respect they appear to me to have excellently understood the true principle of democratic improvement.
“As for myself, I do not hesitate to avow, that, although the women of the United States are confined within the narrow circle of domestic life, and their situation is in some respects one of extreme dependence, I have nowhere seen woman occupying a loftier position; and if I were asked, now that I am drawing to the close of this work, in which I have spoken of so many important things done by the Americans, to what the singular prosperity and growing strength of that people ought mainly to be attributed, I should reply, — to the superiority of their women.”
Even though the women were at home, in the sphere which God had ordained for them, they were superior because of that. True, strong women are not masculine, but they are firm in decision, character, and action, and have all the softness that does not imply weakness in the wrong way — firmness that does not exclude delicacy. They are loving toward family and others; they are helpful whenever they can be; they are trusting of their fathers, and of the Lord — and they are feminine.
I have found that strength for a woman is found in her femininity, and in her embracing and fulfilling the role that God has given to her as a young lady. He has taught me to be content and delighted in being a young lady (something I missed out on all those years growing up), and I would encourage all of you girls to treasure, embrace, take pleasure and delight in being a girl, and in being feminine. The Lord has taught me also to be content under the protection and authority of my father; the authority and protection that was not always there for me growing up, and when it was offered, it was rejected, because I thought that it was not compatible with being strong. I had to learn to forgive my father, and to get rid of bitterness that I held against my father for neglecting to protect me those years while I was growing up, and I had to ask him to forgive me for pushing that protection away when it was offered. I had to be content to give my heart away for protection: first to my Heavenly Father, and then to my earthly father. I realized that as I was growing up I would sometimes be ashamed or embarrassed of what my father would say or do. I learned that I could no longer do that, for my position as a daughter was to be feminine, and to be content with whatever my father did. By fulfilling my role as a daughter and in being feminine, I would help my father in his masculinity. By my being confident in whatever he would say or do would in turn give him confidence. I had to turn my heart, and I still do, daily to my father. It wasn’t a one-time turning. I have to continually search out my heart, and make sure that there is no discontentment or bitterness in it. And I seek out what pleases my father, for this is my duty as a girl, and as a daughter, to seek out what pleases him, and what can make him strong in his vision — that I, too, should embrace his vision and make his passions my passions. I have found untold delight and joy and pleasure in doing this — in being a young woman, being my father’s daughter, and completing the tasks that the Lord has given me. While pursuing femininity, I have found more strength, especially in character, than I ever did in pursuing feminism.
As girls, we have duties and responsibilities that are given to us to fulfill, and we have to be responsible to do these in order for our fathers to be able to carry out the mission that God has given to them. And I want to challenge all of you girls, and all of you young ladies, to make it your aim to realize in your character all the possibilities of womanhood, and to do the work that the Lord has assigned for you to do — to embrace being a girl, and to delight in it; to be strong enough in your femininity, and brave enough, to always be loyal to Biblical girlhood and Biblical womanhood. But in order to do this, you must always make sure that your heart is in the right place. Keep your heart yielded and submissive to God and to your father, because everything depends on where your heart is. Psalm 45:13 says, “The king’s daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is wrought of gold.” She is glorious within, and therefore her clothing, her outward adornment, is wrought with gold. Your inner self, your mind, heart and soul, affects how your outward life is going to be, how you are going to live your life, and what you are going to do, because a dark heart is never going to produce a shining life, and a selfish heart is never going to produce an unselfish life. A sad heart will never make a glad life, and a discontent heart will never yield a content life.
Be careful to guard your heart, and to keep it stayed on Christ, for He will make you strong to do your duty. To exemplify Biblical womanhood you have to train your mind, and this is something that I am continually having to do: rid out all the influence of the world, and train the mind to think in terms of Biblical womanhood. We should follow the guidelines that God has set out for us in His Word. Set your ideal before you: a strong, beautiful, Biblical girlhood and womanhood, and bend all of your energies to attain this.
